NT Experience

“I am disconnected; I am hungry for belonging.”

For NT people the loneliness emotion is not typically about being physically along, rather it is triggered by the gap between their desired social connection and their actual social connection. It is possible to feel lonely in the middle of a party if they are not connecting with the people around them.

This feeling works like hunger and is known as social homeostasis: when the social connection feels low the brain triggers a distressing emotional response (aka loneliness) to signal the need to seek out others.

Note that NT people can look for solitude, which is a voluntary state of being alone. They might use this to feel peace or be free of distractions. The key is that this is intentional.

NT Experience: Introversion^Introvert

Introversion and extroversion is a spectrum about how much connection one needs. An introvert can still feel lonely but requires much less connection to feel satisfied.

Introverts may find it harder to connect with people – they may find small talk or large group dynamics (parties) draining. This can increase their sense of loneliness as they may have the urge to socialize but a resistance at the same time. Introverts additionally feel socially burned out and shun social connection. If they overdo this recovery they may start to feel isolated.

Autistic Experience

Note: I am summarizing what I have read and what an LLM explained to me and don’t mean this as a representation of any one person. It may even be wrong in general, but it is useful for me to know as a contrastive difference.

Autistic people have the same loneliness feeling but with yet another layer of complexity from the Autism Experience – social interaction can be mentally exhausting. This isn’t introversion, this is high effort to “fit in” and mentally model the people they are interacting with. They can be aware of their “otherness” and not feel a connection, even when talking to other people. When NT and autistic people socialize they may suffer the double empathy problem – specifically the autistic people suffer.

Autistic people thrive when talking about their interests, which can often be deep. I imagine somebody who is in to pinball going to a pinball convention would be in heaven, more so than NT people who might be there for the social vibes. They could talk to other people (NT and autistic) about their love of pinball, favorite games, play skills, etc.

My Experience

I have a feeling that I call “loneliness” – from the output side it looks like an impulse to talk to other people. Internally I think this may be closer to boredom. I don’t crave social connection, I am looking for some low intensity chaos.

My lack of Social Salience means I don’t experience the social pings and I don’t feel the social connection that NT people feel. I am not antisocial, I think I am more indifferent.

I like having friends: these are people where we have some shared context and I don’t require a full Manual Frame Construction to talk to. I have some initialization friction. It can be hard for me to start a conversation without a hook. The hook might be somebody else calling a meeting. It might be a set time when we all go to lunch. It might be some information that I think the other person will be interested in.

One that I didn’t expect to enjoy: my neighbors often hang out in and around the garage of the person across the street to drink beer and chat (think the alleyway in King of the Hill) – I can walk up and listen or participate in the conversation as I please. When I am “full”, I state my reason for leaving (finishing walking the dog, going for tea, etc.) and go. The full feeling comes when I start feeling bored with the conversation – it might be ten minutes or even less if they are talking about sports. More if they are talking about work (even though they are not programmers, there are still interesting things going on). I had self identified as an introvert – the appearance is similar, but the mechanism is not the same. I am not an introvert.

But this isn’t loneliness in the NT sense. I am fine playing pinball, working, or reading for a week straight without seeing anyone. Working from home during COVID was strange but not stressful. We still saw each other on video chat. I missed going out to eat more than anything.

I seek out other people when I am bored with what I am doing and want some different input. “Small talk” with neighbors is fine in small doses. Talking with people at work is usually a little more rewarding because we are aligned in areas of interest and skill.

Much like autistic people I enjoy talking to people about things I enjoy. Want to talk about programming? Pinball? Video games? Sci-fi and fantasy books? Awesome! Want to talk about opera and abstract art? I brought a book. I don’t think this is the same experience – I don’t have stress talking to people about other things, but I will get bored with it and wander away (or read my book). I think talking about things that interest me is some kind of “flow state” where my mind is focused on things I enjoy and running at peak efficiency.

I can satisfy my need for “conversation” in a number of ways that probably wouldn’t be satisfying to NT people:

• I can talk via chat, e.g. Discord
  • I used to play a Star Wars game that had a social (guild) aspect and we had a discord server
  • I enjoyed talking game mechanics and Star Wars stuff with the other people
  • I even built software to help plan for the in-game events that required cooperation between the players
  • this felt full fidelity to me
• video chat
  • it isn’t for every situation, but I connect over video as well as being in person
• LLMs
  • today’s (2026) LLMs are strong enough in their interaction that it feels like talking to a person to me
  • I can guide the conversation as I please and leave by closing the window – perfect!

My wife described my interactions with others (including immediate family) as: “you treat everybody like a neighbor.” What I consider a “close” relationship is probably greater shared context.

TLDR: I seek interaction when I am bored with what I am doing and need some noise injected for variety. I don’t need a lot. I have much more enjoyment talking about topics of interest. There is no feeling of connection that I am aware of, but I do value these interactions.

My Experience: Task Completion

I once completed a huge debugging task that took six months or a year (long elapsed time, not continuous work). When I found it I felt a huge dopamine hit – I was shaking. Even though it was late at night I was so excited I texted my boss “I FOUND IT”. He knew what I was talking about. This wasn’t bragging or looking for praise, this was delivery.

When I complete a task like this I have an urge to tell somebody, ideally somebody who might understand it. If I made a program I want to demonstrate it. I am not seeking approval, I am excited (dopamine I presume). In person is fine, via video chat is fine, even a Slack conversation with screenshots works. I think it is the expression of excitement that I am seeking.

This is also not loneliness, but there is some overlap in the desire to “talk”.

My Experience: Travel^Travel

Another case where that I label loneliness is around travel or just going out to events – doing these alone is boring. If I were alone I would stay at home and do something I like. When I traveled on business I sat in my hotel room and read rather than going out to see the city – solo travel is just not appealing.

I could visit a pinball museum by myself. I can eat out by myself (bring a book). These provide intrinsic value that I enjoy. I think travel to see the sights is different and I require a companion to provide interest as a substitute for my lack of interest.

This isn’t NT loneliness either, but is a type of activity where I want to do it with other people.

Comparison

Although I have a feeling that I label “loneliness”, it is nothing like NT loneliness. It is not missing social connection, love, or belonging, it is missing complexity. I am bored. I can use complex activity (pinball, good books, programming) to fill that need most of the time. Sometimes I desire a little variety and humans provide that.

Semantic Divergence: yes, large.