NT Experience

NT people may find it hard to apologize. Typically there is a “social cost” or loss of standing. They may feel like they “lost” or are “submitting”. Along with the verbal apology there is a submission social signal to indicate acquiescence.

My Experience

Since I have no Shame or feeling of social hierarchy, it is easy for me to apologize. I don’t have any negative social impact associated with it, so it is cheap (mentally). I also don’t have any social signal indicating sincerity – the apology is sincere but it doesn’t always land.

I don’t associate Truth and Facts with my identity so I can admit I was wrong. I can admit guilt in action. I may Say The Wrong Thing but I don’t mean it the way it is taken and can admit it, even if I don’t understand how it was taken.

I can say: “I am sorry that you feel I am trying to make you look stupid – that was not my intent and I am sorry it came across that way.” I accept that my words or actions made the recipient feel a certain way, even if I do not understand it. I can’t accept blame for intent, just ineptitude. It is true, but perhaps not in a way that people will understand. Some people will accept it and some will not. I don’t signal right and they may take it as an excuse. I can’t help that.

Often times it does defuse a situation – it is like pushing a reset button on the situation. That is good enough for me.