When I first met a therapist she asked me if I had ever been diagnosed with autism. I hadn’t and was a bit surprised that she would ask. I wasn’t offended but my ideas of autism didn’t seem to match my own experience (to be fair, they didn’t match autistic people’s experience either). It was actually an excellent question and opened up the door to start understanding neurodivergence.

I don’t have autism but I do have considerable overlap in some of my behaviors. If it helps somebody understand me then autism is maybe a more familiar word, but it is the wrong word for me.

It took me a while to discover how I was different – for half a year I said I was “autism adjacent” as that was the best description I had. I debug software for a living and this was like a very complex system that had mysterious behaviors. I finally discovered the mechanism behind my behavior: no Social Salience and this explained why my experience was different than autism but still had overlap.

Autism, or autism spectrum disorder as it is called in the DSM-5 and have to satisfy a specific criteria (A and B below) and have to have an impairing effect on everyday life to be considered autism (at least by the DSM-5). After I looked this up I found that I had huge overlap on A and none on B.

A: Social Communication and Interaction

Overlap: high, phenotypic similarity

I hit pretty hard here.

• social-emotional reciprocity
  • flat affect (yes)
  • emotional reciprocity - mirroring (yes)
  • abnormal social approach (sometimes)
  • failure to initiate or respond to social interactions (sometimes)
• nonverbal communication
  • lack of eye contact, gesture, and prosody (some, especially the last)
• developing/maintaining relationships
  • adjusting behavior to suit social context (yes)
  • absence of interest in peers (yes, but really social situations)
  • but generally I do maintain relationships fairly well (I think)

B: Restricted, Repetitive Patterns of Behavior

Overlap: none

And had none of these.

• repetitive motor movements (stimming)
  • repetitive motor movements, e.g. moving hands
  • use of objects objects
• sameness/routines
  • adherence to routines, sameness
• restricted, fixated interests
  • so called “special interests” – used as a pressure relief
• sensory input sensitivity
  • auditory, visual, smell, etc.

So What is It?

You can read My Experience to see how I understand it. Also check out Checklist for a potential diagnostic I made to differentiate between my own experience and other potential candidates – see how I answer the questions.

Traits vs. Trials

I find myself in a strange position: I share many behaviors with the autistic community, but I don’t share the typical autistic experience.

When I commit a social faux pas, I usually don’t notice. Even when it’s pointed out, it rarely causes me the “rejection sensitive dysphoria” or social anxiety that many autistic people describe. I experience the Double Empathy Problem – where communication breaks down because two people have different social styles, but for years, I didn’t even realize the breakdown was happening. I was simply blissfully unaware.

The Asymmetry of Friction

This isn’t to say there is no friction; it just isn’t felt by me. This is perhaps unique to the “no social salience” experience: the friction is asymmetric.

Because I don’t react to emotions or social signals in the same way others do, I often appear very calm, which is an asset at work. In my closest relationships (my wife and children), that lack of Empathy or response creates significant weight. For a long time, I didn’t believe I was giving off “unusual signals” because I couldn’t perceive them. I thought people were making things up about me. I now understand the mechanism behind it, but the experience remains one-sided: I don’t feel the hardship, but they do.

A Different Kind of Neurodivergence

This puts me in a gray area. I benefit from autistic resources and feel a kinship with the community, but I am wary of over-identifying with a struggle that isn’t fully mine. I don’t experience the “internal” friction or sensory overwhelm that defines the autistic experience for many. Acknowledging this is my way of respecting the community: I am autism-adjacent, sharing the traits but not the trials.