Autistic people sometimes use a technique called “masking” or “camouflaging” to suppress natural autistic traits or adopt NT behaviors. This can be conscious or unconscious. Many times they require significant mental effort. Typical masking:

• Mimicry: Scripting conversations or copying the body language of others.
• Suppression: Forcing eye contact or holding back “stimming” (self-regulatory behaviors).
• Performance: Carefully monitoring facial expressions to ensure they match the social situation.

NT people, being the majority, expect people to conform to social norms and NT behaviors. Autistic people can often perceive that they are not meeting this expectation (see Autism Experience) – masking is the technique used to smooth the interaction. It is often effortful and likely not entirely convincing.

In fact, many autistic people have high social saliency and feel the sting of not fitting in. I have read that autistic people may have suffered ostracization or bullying for being different. Bullies can pick up on the social signals for fear, shame, or hurt and feed on them. Masking may feel like a necessity rather than a “nice to have.”

Other ND phenotypes may also use masking to fit in, but masking is often associated with autism.

My Experience: No Masking

Lacking Social Salience meant (and still means) that I didn’t even notice that I was not behaving the same as everybody else. Sure, I might have some oddities (I was a nerd), but these seemed within the normal range for people and personalities (my perception).

It never occurred to me that there might be such a thing as masking or that I might want to do it. Now that I know about it, I still don’t care about it (social salience again). I do use some heuristics to avoid social friction (for efficiency purposes, which is Functional Logic Modeling), but that is about it. I didn’t perceive what I was missing, so it wasn’t something I ever considered.

I may have been ostracized when I was younger – certainly I can recall other kids making fun of the way I talked (slowly). I didn’t like it, but I can’t recall any particular stress from this. I had friends: neighbors and several kids who liked computers or role playing games. I may not have picked up on the full effect so it kind of rolled off me.

I do recall a time in high school where I was confronted by a bully. I don’t know if this was because I was “weird” or just random chance. I was tall and thin. The bully was large and muscular. For some reason I said exactly the right thing (using Flat Affect):

No thanks, I don’t feel like kicking your ass today.

Clearly, that wasn’t going to happen. The bully could have used me as floss. But I was a little off: I didn’t give off social signals like I should. I was a non sequitur. This was the right hook because it allowed the bully to laugh and walk away.

Aside from that I don’t recall any bullying, though again, it is possible things were said and I missed them. I think in terms of behavior I look very similar to autistic people, though I don’t signal at all.

Anyway, I am fortunate that my particular mental configuration allows for no masking:

• I don’t notice that it is needed
• I don’t care what others think about me

Phatic Speech

Phatic speech is an interesting case. Phatic speech is, for example, the talking we do to greet each other at work:

Hey, how are you?

Fine! How are you?

I actually picked up phatic speech, I presume from observing it being used. I wasn’t masking – I was following the script.

I didn’t realize that these questions were not meant to be answered truthfully; I saw a question and provided the data. If I was having a bad day, I would tell you so. I now realize these interactions are more of a social ping: a “hey!” that expects a “hey!” in return, rather than a request for information.

I also frequently failed the “mirroring” rule. Many times when somebody asks a question, they expect a similar question in return:

Nice to meet you! Where do you work?

I work at NASA. (silence)

I would answer, but I wouldn’t ask the question back. Sometimes I might, if I happened to be thinking of the protocol, but I don’t usually care where a stranger works—that isn’t information I need. I would provide my answer and the conversation would simply die there.

This was always fine with me, but I have since learned from feedback that this often makes NT participants uncomfortable. Because I lack social salience, I didn’t know they were uncomfortable, nor did I notice the “social friction” I was creating.

Unlike many autistic people who mask out of a desire to fit in or a fear of being “found out,” my lack of masking isn’t a choice—it’s a result of not perceiving the “need” in the first place.

Now that I understand what is going on in NT conversations, I can better introspect my own behavior. I still don’t behave as expected (usually), but better to know than not. This Double Empathy issue still doesn’t bother me personally, but at least I am aware it is going on for the other people. In situations where I think it might help (my wife prompted me) I can consciously try to follow the expanded script. It takes effort and concentration so I don’t do it normally.